me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”