@Token_Geezer

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

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@gorrdano

Pilot makes a sudden sharp turn, comes on speaker “Just kidding!! Attendants will be by with new underwear. Have a nice flight everybody.”

@UnFitz

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

@ClichedOut

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

@DaddyJew

[lunch break]

Gf: I have 30min

Me: you thinking what im thinking?

Gf: oh yea *starts undressing

Me: *googles closest laser tag location

@lenadunham

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

@kelkulus

The Russian version of “How I Met Your Mother” is just a single episode showing a guy browsing a web page.

@taitutu

Judging by your selfie, I can’t help wonder why your mother didn’t try & sell you to a circus when you were younger.

@BooFricketyHoo

I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit’s door.