Pilot makes a sudden sharp turn, comes on speaker “Just kidding!! Attendants will be by with new underwear. Have a nice flight everybody.”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
You Might Also Like
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Gf: I have 30min
Me: you thinking what im thinking?
Gf: oh yea *starts undressing
Me: *googles closest laser tag location
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
The Russian version of “How I Met Your Mother” is just a single episode showing a guy browsing a web page.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Judging by your selfie, I can’t help wonder why your mother didn’t try & sell you to a circus when you were younger.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit’s door.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.