The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
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if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”