@markydoodoo

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

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@debon7

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

@okayestgoalie76

Me: “Siri, find me the nearest Starbucks”

Siri: “the addiction hotline is…”

Me: “no, I said….”

Siri: “Oh, I heard you!”

@Marcmywords2

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

@jackmackenroth

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

@onion_an

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

@sofarrsogud

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

@CaniacMONK

*Works out on rowing machine

*Breaks rowing machine

*Doesn’t know own strength

*Buys Doritos to celebrate

*Can’t open bag

@AndreTheViking

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

@GianDoh

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”