The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

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A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids


Me: “Siri, find me the nearest Starbucks”

Siri: “the addiction hotline is…”

Me: “no, I said….”

Siri: “Oh, I heard you!”


Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.


I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.


Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t


Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.


*Works out on rowing machine

*Breaks rowing machine

*Doesn’t know own strength

*Buys Doritos to celebrate

*Can’t open bag


I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.


Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”