The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
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[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
The Compass
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.