The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
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Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Bruh PLEASE
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow