I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
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A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Planet of the Apps.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???