The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
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Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Jesus Christ lmao
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Lmao
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer: