The main problem with gay marriage is when two men hold the knife to cut the cake they will be too strong and cut through the plate & table.

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Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.


It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”


If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.


Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….


Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall


Bought an ice cream cake and the cashier told me to keep it in the freezer until serving as it will melt. I gotta start dressing smarter.


My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.


My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.

Having to see him is gut-wrenching


Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”



For when you’d love to wake up in the morning…naked on a raft in your neighbour’s pool, but lack the motivation