@Mickey_McCauley

The main problem with gay marriage is when two men hold the knife to cut the cake they will be too strong and cut through the plate & table.

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@TheCiscoKidder

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

@shutupmikeginn

It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”

@rorygneesmith

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

@wendchymes

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

@ZiziFothSi

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

@Brianhopecomedy

Bought an ice cream cake and the cashier told me to keep it in the freezer until serving as it will melt. I gotta start dressing smarter.

@ValeeGrrl

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

@StewieTea2

My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.

Having to see him is gut-wrenching

@MoneypennyNaked

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

@QuietPsycho

Absinthe

For when you’d love to wake up in the morning…naked on a raft in your neighbour’s pool, but lack the motivation