When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
You Might Also Like
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
This was my dad’s browser history.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Solving a traffic jam
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism