@SJKSalisbury

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

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@pinupteacher

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my dog was RIGHT THERE.

@murrman5

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

@JT_IV_

What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?

@LostFelicia

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

@LittleMissAngr1

My neighbour overheard me wish a “long and prosperous life” to the spider I released outside. I’m worried he’ll get the wrong impression that I’m similarly warm-hearted towards people.

@julcasagrande

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

@stanleybehrman

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.