The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
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Still my favourite meme.
Morning.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
*cough*
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.