Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
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what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Being an adult is pretty easy. You just feel tired all the time & tell people about how tired you are & they tell you how tired they are.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot