@SJKSalisbury

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

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@Bownuggets

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

@hell_doe

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

@man_in_radiator

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

@ilovepie84

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

@CrabbyDaCrab

Being an adult is pretty easy. You just feel tired all the time & tell people about how tired you are & they tell you how tired they are.

@Smug_Lemur

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

@Juicedballs

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

@daemonic3

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”