The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

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Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my dog was RIGHT THERE.


I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents


What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?


Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.


My neighbour overheard me wish a “long and prosperous life” to the spider I released outside. I’m worried he’ll get the wrong impression that I’m similarly warm-hearted towards people.


I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions


Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.