The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
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#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Just why bro?!
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?