The main reason I tell my daughter that beauty is on the inside is because I’m in charge of her ponytail in the mornings.

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Dear Dreamworks,

How to Train Your Dragon was not the instructional movie I was hoping for since acquiring a Komodo dragon


Why is your ass split vertically?

Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.


If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.


“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake


BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon


If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars


Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.


Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.


[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*