@The_JRM: The main reason I tell my daughter that beauty is on the inside is because I'm in charge of her ponytail in the mornings.
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@Breaking911: A Brazilian gang leader tried to escape from prison by dressing up as his daughter when she visited him behind bars and walking out the penitentiary’s main door in her place. He was stopped walking out for looking suspicious.
@MelanieShebel: I'm not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I've won and the number that I actually own.
@SummerCandyEyes: I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting "wrong hole!!" at inappropriate times, like when you're eating.
@hrtbps: The Grammar Nazis burst in. "We know you're harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies" "There ain't no Jews here!" "Double negative! Search the attic, boys"