JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
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saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.