If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
In banana years, I am bread.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.