the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
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2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
…u ok Nintendo?
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.