@kv8

The main thing I miss about family dinners is masterfully conveying my silent rage via angry salt and pepper shaking.

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@TheAlexNevil

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

@theferocity

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

@OH_GAWD_OF_FUNK

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

@anagramps

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

@Fred_Delicious

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

@nuclearpasta_

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

@AndrewChamings

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

@RecursiveTaco

Recipe: leave the onions to sweat for 10 minutes

Me, to the onions: we need to have a talk when I get back