I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
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Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.