You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
The main thing I miss about family dinners is masterfully conveying my silent rage via angry salt and pepper shaking.
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How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Recipe: leave the onions to sweat for 10 minutes
Me, to the onions: we need to have a talk when I get back