The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
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CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.