Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
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My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist