The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
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Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Gods work.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*