the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
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Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
nobody’s gonna understand
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread