@Kristen_Arnett

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

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@ohen39

wife: I am having an affair

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have the affair as well

@Contwixt

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

@TheToddWilliams

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

@grovymango

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

@broken_rhi

This peach mimosa tastes like I’ll be worrying about losing my job later.

@ramblinma

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.