the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

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wife: I am having an affair

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have the affair as well


It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.


Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.


the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up


This peach mimosa tastes like I’ll be worrying about losing my job later.


Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.