The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

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Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.


When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.


911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.


My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”


Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?


I can hear you swallowing from across the room you irritating piece of SHIT

– marriage


Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.



The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?


Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol




Captain Caillou

Aunt Man


Iron Jan