The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
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Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.