The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
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ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
🤣😈🤣
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.