If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
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STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Priest: ‘Really? For a Klondike Bar??’
Me: ‘I know…it’s pretty sick.’
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.