@greek_heanen

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

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@DaddyJew

If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?

@dorsalstream

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

@TheAlexNevil

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

@better_off_dad2

*at confessional*

Priest: ‘Really? For a Klondike Bar??’

Me: ‘I know…it’s pretty sick.’

@GrantTanaka

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

@briangaar

Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them

@donni

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

@drinksmcgee

If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.

@13spencer

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.