The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
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“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
The future is now.
boat question
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”