The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
My Guy
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
yeet
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.