somebody come look at this
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She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
the last thing a carrot sees
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again