The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

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[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine


*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.


Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend’s annoying snoring doesn’t make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..


so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july


Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.


Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers… Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.


I was feeling great about myself when I saw my number on the womens bathroom wall ‘for a good time’.

Then I recognized my hand writing.


Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded


dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles


The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.