@omgthatspunny

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

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@BraandoCommando

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

@jordan_stratton

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

@munkayc

Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend’s annoying snoring doesn’t make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..

@fro_vo

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

@funnybeachgirl

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

@VintageBabe1212

Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers… Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.

@CoopSoSarc

I was feeling great about myself when I saw my number on the womens bathroom wall ‘for a good time’.

Then I recognized my hand writing.

@slaughthie

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

@loneIymood

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

@msgwenl

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.