*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
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can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Hey, people who don’t properly re-seal your half empty bags of potato chips… what’s it like eating spider eggs?
I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.
Which is why I eat well-loved children.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you’re stupid.
One of the hardest parts of being a parent is discovering your 6 year old is better than you at every video game ever.
My motto is “Grab Life by the Balls.”
As you might imagine, being dyslexic, I spend a lot of time apologizing to guys named “Leif.”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa