@LegoGodzilla

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

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@_squiggz

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

@Adam14

Hey, people who don’t properly re-seal your half empty bags of potato chips… what’s it like eating spider eggs?

@luckyshirt

I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.

Which is why I eat well-loved children.

@Nicholey23

You and I are just different. And by different I mean you’re stupid.

@clarkekant

One of the hardest parts of being a parent is discovering your 6 year old is better than you at every video game ever.

@Tierno158

My motto is “Grab Life by the Balls.”

As you might imagine, being dyslexic, I spend a lot of time apologizing to guys named “Leif.”

@blade_funner

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

@TheRealRHB

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it