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@LegoGodzilla: The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
@thepaulahunt: *in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don't take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
@andreahardy33: Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
@Holy_Mowgli: CUSTOMER: i'm here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that'll be $44.99
@BruceForce: My wife says I'm a clueless idiot.
I didn't even know I had a wife.
@BoozeWallet: [pretending to talk on phone while mugger approaches] yeah, so then they told me that my Karate is just too deadly for the Olympics