The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
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can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
This is what makes twitter great
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.