The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
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Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church