The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
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All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
San Francisco has too many rules
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.