The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
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Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.