[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

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me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip


I drove home with a new bunny for my kids & all they did was moan.

“Why hasn’t it got a head?”
“I don’t want to scrape it off the wheel.”


I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume


Why haven’t you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?


Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.


MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.


* changes bedsheets, 14 socks fall out *


* apologizes to the dryer *


I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.


When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.