@FredTaming

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

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@pilau

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

@SqueakyFreckles

I drove home with a new bunny for my kids & all they did was moan.

“Why hasn’t it got a head?”
“I don’t want to scrape it off the wheel.”

@Cpin42

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

@mishakey

Why haven’t you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?

@KaRaRacn75

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

@PinkCamoTO

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

@NotARatsAss

* changes bedsheets, 14 socks fall out *

Hmmm…

* apologizes to the dryer *

@CruisinSoozan

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

@jellybnbonanza

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.