@1Bad_Scientist

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

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@MarfSalvador

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

@NicestHippo

“Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?” – podium salesman

@ThisLocalHater

I can’t wait to be the first murder victim on tv who loved ones describe as “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m actually surprised it took so long”

@BriarSly

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

@jwoodham

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

@IamJackBoot

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

@pinupteacher

My cab driver just described Seattle as “Not that horrible of a place.” Get that guy a job on the tourism board.

@CrockettForReal

Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever

Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child

@marthasa1

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

@HomeProbably

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?