Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought “my god that is so hot it’s burning my fingers” and immediately popped it in my mouth.
I’m a goddamn genius.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
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My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I want to get arrested by a motorcycle cop just so I can hold him tenderly around the waist on my way to jail.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!