The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
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DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.