The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

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Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought “my god that is so hot it’s burning my fingers” and immediately popped it in my mouth.

I’m a goddamn genius.


My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times


I want to get arrested by a motorcycle cop just so I can hold him tenderly around the waist on my way to jail.


Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.


Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.


Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her


Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.


GF: I’m leaving you
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT


Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!