Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
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“Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?” – podium salesman
I can’t wait to be the first murder victim on tv who loved ones describe as “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m actually surprised it took so long”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
My cab driver just described Seattle as “Not that horrible of a place.” Get that guy a job on the tourism board.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?