The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
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I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
lol
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.