Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
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Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting