The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
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time machine? you mean a clock?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
how high up are we talkin’?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.