The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
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The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
*offers Batman cough drops*
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies