The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
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if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.