@_Fariis

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

You Might Also Like

@huntigula

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

@TheAndrewNadeau

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

@weinerdog4life

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

@DandyTruman

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

@hunbothered

All I want for Christmas is for the adults who say “See you next year” to be repeatedly tased.

@_ElvishPresley_

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

@climaxximus

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.