The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

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HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”


fed ex guy: here’s ur package

me: thx

fed ex guy: sign

me: [blushing] scorpio


Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*


Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.


ME: *stuffs sock down my pants to impress my date*

DATE: I’m not that impressed

ME: I should have done it before you got here


Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!


I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.


The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?