@_Fariis

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

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@SkinnerSteven

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

@clichedout

fed ex guy: here’s ur package

me: thx

fed ex guy: sign

me: [blushing] scorpio

@StuForReal

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

@KamaroPayne

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

@ArfMeasures

ME: *stuffs sock down my pants to impress my date*

DATE: I’m not that impressed

ME: I should have done it before you got here

@UncleDuke1969

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

@retreminy

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

@John_M15

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?