GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
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HIPPO: I’m really heavy
ZIPPO: I’m a little lighter
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
All I want for Christmas is for the adults who say “See you next year” to be repeatedly tased.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
What if you’re a Gift Horse Dentist?
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.