SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
The mechanic has informed me that the shrieking sound I hear in my car on my way to work is apparently me.
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WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful
ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come
Call me crazy but you can’t follow, star, retweet, and trophy me and then act surprised when I show up to your house in a wedding dress.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
If the light turns green & the guy behind you honks cause he thinks you’re taking too long to go get out & start checking your tire pressure
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t
*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw