@AGreaterMonster

The mechanic has informed me that the shrieking sound I hear in my car on my way to work is apparently me.

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@shkeeber

There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.

@murrman5

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

@jlock17

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

@squirrel74wkgn

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

@awkwardphilippe

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

@kumailn

If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.

@SocialExtortion

Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak

@WeissBrandon

When I see a couple and the women’s pregnant. I always walk up and YELL “why don’t you tell him who is really the father.” and walk away

@GrillinChillin9

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

@PatsATweetin

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.