The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
You Might Also Like
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.