The mechanic has informed me that the shrieking sound I hear in my car on my way to work is apparently me.

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People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.


It’s not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It’s just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.


I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*


Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.


I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.


I’m gonna live tweet my Game of Thrones experience tonight, you guys ready? Here we go:

I can’t afford HBO.


My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room


[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?