The mechanic has informed me that the shrieking sound I hear in my car on my way to work is apparently me.

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There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.


[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK


The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.


My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.


[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you


If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.


Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak


When I see a couple and the women’s pregnant. I always walk up and YELL “why don’t you tell him who is really the father.” and walk away


Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?


My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.