I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
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Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Barbie gone wild
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.