The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
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Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.