An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A banana will scare off most lawyers. Eat a pomegranate and every architect within a three-mile radius will shit himself.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
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Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.