@rickolantern

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

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@TheHyyyype

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A banana will scare off most lawyers. Eat a pomegranate and every architect within a three-mile radius will shit himself.

@JohnLyonTweets

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

@hashtag_stacks

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

@ClichedOut

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

@upsidedowntrash

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

@VibesBummer

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

@NurseMurderer

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

@Cherbearxo

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

@MadGamer79

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.