@flashember: The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
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@iinkedZombie: Cop: know why I pulled you over? "Hopefully to arrest me." Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
@hythemafia: Sperm 1: "Geez I'm exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?" Sperm 2: "A long way, we've just passed the tonsils..."
@Donna_McCoy: Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can't have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: I got a job interview next week. Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe. Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.