@flashember

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

You Might Also Like

@noogscorner

Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn’t give them a progress report every week.

@better_off_dad2

*in bed*

Her: ‘You’re drunk again.’

Me: ‘How do you know??’

Her: ‘You live next door.’

@SaraESpivey

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

@fro_vo

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

@LifeUnPinterest

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

@OrigamiDad

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

@david8hughes

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

@PhilLaysheO

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

@FrazzleMyGimp

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

@kimtopher22

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.