Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
You Might Also Like
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.