The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards