The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

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I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.


My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.


waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or


The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.


me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met


me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape


me: *offering joint* wanna hit


me: nvm ur already high lol


scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human


fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats


7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.


I be having a mini heart attack when I almost send a screenshot to the person I screenshoted


Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren’t out yet