I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
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My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
me: nvm ur already high lol
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I be having a mini heart attack when I almost send a screenshot to the person I screenshoted
Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren’t out yet