The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
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Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
dads on road-trips be like
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.