The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.

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Pretty woman wouldn’t have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.


Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?


I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?


A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.


Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”


I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.


WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.


*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”