@TheTalkingPipe

The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.

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@thatfinguy

Pretty woman wouldn’t have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.

@HeidiGolightly

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

@constantlyjosh

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

@KevinGetem

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

@Kryzazy

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

@WheelTod

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”