@TheTalkingPipe

The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.

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@copymama

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

@HatfieldAnne

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

@FattMernandez

I’m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.

@AintNoFamily

I can’t wait to stick my descriptive adjective all up in your noun until you verb all over my face.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

@DevilryFun

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

@Jamberee13

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

@lasergirl70

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls