The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
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**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Always the camel, never the toe.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up