The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.

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Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.


Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
“Wake up!”
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”


If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.


I’m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.


I can’t wait to stick my descriptive adjective all up in your noun until you verb all over my face.


Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.


My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.


Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.


Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What


🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls