@TheTalkingPipe: The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@AbbieEvansXO: [husband and wife decide to try swinging] Wife: I never should've agreed to this, it's only fun for you Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
@KeetPotato: me: "no ill just have it here thanks" bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me] wife: "on the rocks means with ice keith"
@abhorrent_wife: I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn't remember the term "all caps".
@badAzz_mom: If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you're talking to someone else on the phone.