@TheTalkingPipe: The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.
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@envydatropic: Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
@iwearaonesie: A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
@galiamango: I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems