The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
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Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up