The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

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The human brain starts working the moment you’re born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night.


Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.


Very envious of the people who are out enjoying wilderness. It looks rad but I do not know anything about nature. I didn’t realize deer were real until like a year ago. I thought they were made up for Bambi.


Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.


“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”


I’m gonna go out on a limb and declare ‘Drugs’ the winner of the war on drugs.


Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.


Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot