The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.
The Molotov cocktail is of course named after Vitaly Molotov, an 18th century Russian industrialist who exploded after being thrown at a car
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Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Me: why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie
M: he was too far out man
S: how are you still awake we heavily sedated you
Israel is like STOP TOUCHING ME and Palestine is like YOU’RE TOUCHING ME and Hillary is like I WILL PULL THIS CAR OVER.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
girlfriend: okay fine, but promise it won’t be like last time
me: *Already kicking kids out of the bouncy castle* THIS. IS. SPARTA!