@philyuck

The Molotov cocktail is of course named after Vitaly Molotov, an 18th century Russian industrialist who exploded after being thrown at a car

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@EtobicokeErnie

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.

@skylerhanrath

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

@Barknado69

Me: why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie

Surgeon: wtf

M: he was too far out man

S: how are you still awake we heavily sedated you

@TheBosha

Israel is like STOP TOUCHING ME and Palestine is like YOU’RE TOUCHING ME and Hillary is like I WILL PULL THIS CAR OVER.

@amydillon

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

@SarcasticAlly12

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

@sonictyrant

girlfriend: okay fine, but promise it won’t be like last time

me: *Already kicking kids out of the bouncy castle* THIS. IS. SPARTA!