@philyuck

The Molotov cocktail is of course named after Vitaly Molotov, an 18th century Russian industrialist who exploded after being thrown at a car

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@daemonic3

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

@junejuly12

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

@CoopSoSarc

Daughter yells “I love bananas, the bigger the better”.

Wife and I laugh hysterically,

Then I die a little inside.

@Glynner85

I hate when The Little Mermaid is all “who cares no big deal I want more!” Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax

@sarahcpr

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

@NefuDaBoss

Everyone: If you keep listening to your music so loudly you’ll be deaf by the time you’re 20

Me: What

@BrownDogBlanket

People think I’m a good listener because I am quiet when they’re talking, but really I’m just thinking of how I can create a diversion and run away.

@abradacabla

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

@Darlainky

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.