The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
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A duv-egg? In this economy?
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.