The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
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Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.