The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

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I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment


Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.


[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.


Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.


I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!


In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”


Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”


Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd


If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.


No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.