The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

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I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.


Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.


mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital


(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing


Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.


[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”


*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.


Yo mama so dumb she tried to minimize a 9 variable function to a sum of products wit a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm