@caseytduncan

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

You Might Also Like

@EndhooS

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

@PleaseBeGneiss

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

@scottsimpson

Maybe it’s just me, but reading books on an iPad Mini, I really miss the smell, the heft, the traditional reading experience of an iPad 2.

@Mardigroan

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

@radtoria

1st baby: you make sure he’s breathing every five minutes

2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don’t even notice

@junejuly12

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

@LisaFarted

So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”

@AudreyPorne

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

@notsoevilrick

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

@Donna_McCoy

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*