The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
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When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Gods work.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first