The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

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[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…



Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks


Maybe it’s just me, but reading books on an iPad Mini, I really miss the smell, the heft, the traditional reading experience of an iPad 2.


*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*


1st baby: you make sure he’s breathing every five minutes

2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don’t even notice


People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times


So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”


Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.


My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.


Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*