Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
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USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..