@NINETIREDBUGS

the moon has NO GENDER and IS MY BEST FRIEND and SAID YOU GUYS HAVE TO BE NICE TO ME OR IT’S CANCELING TIDES FOREVER

You Might Also Like

@juliussharpe

Watching “Wizard of Oz”. I’d forgotten how the neighbor wants to kill Toto and Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were fine with it. Family fun!

@Bouuvine

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

@stephenjmolloy

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

@ladybroseph

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

@iwearaonesie

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

@jimmytorosian

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

@robin_991

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

@ArfMeasures

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

@Brampersandon_

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted